[unsent letter intended for bro. william, servant of God. written on 0500H, 16 august 2008]

BRO. WILLIAM,

GOD HAS ALL HIS GREAT PLANS LAID BEFORE OUR FEET. I KNOW THAT YOU HAVE ALREADY FOUND YOUR CALLING. BEING A SERVANT OF GOD, YOU NEVER GET TIRED OF BRINGING SOULS TO HIS KINGDOM. I AM BLESSED THAT I WAS ONCEE LIFTED OUT OF THOSE THOUSANDS OF SOULS LOST IN THE OBLIVION OF WORLDLY PRACTICES. I DO BELIEVE IN CHRIST. I ALREADY ACCEPTED HIM AS MY PERSONAL SAVIOUR. IN THE FIRST DAY I ATTENDED “THE LIGHTHOUSE CHURCH” AND HAD A SIT WITH YOU TO TALK ABOUT JESUS. I KNOW WITHIN ME THAT I FULLY UNDERSTAND WHAT FAITH MEANS. WHAT GOD HAS TO DO WITH MY LIFE? WHETHER I GO ASTRAY OR STAY IN HIS LOVING ARMS… I AM PRETTY SURE OF MY FAITH IN HIM.

HAVING GROWN IN A COMPLEX FAMILY OF DIFFERENT RELIGIONS, BELIEFS AND FAITH MOLDED ME TO BE OF WHO I AM NOW. I DECIDED TO FIND MY OWN TRUTH OF WHAT FAITH IS. THUS, BUILDING A PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD AND LEAVING THE THOUGHT OF HAVING A RELIGION. IT IS SOMEHOW, HAVING MY OWN FAITH AND NEVER HAVING A TRUE RELIGION. RELIGION IS JUST A CATEGORIZATION OF DIFFERENT FAITHS, WHAT I WANTED TO BE WAS TO HAVE MY OWN FAITH BUILT IN GOD’S TEACHING… INDEED WHAT I AM DOING IS FOLLOWING WHAT I KNOW IS RIGHT AND WRONG.

IN LATE YEARS OF MY HIGH SCHOOL LIFE, I WAS AN ACTIVE CATHOLIC. OUT OF NOWHERE I FOUND MYSELF LURKING FOR ANOTHER ENJOYMENT OF MY SPIRITUALITY. I GAVE MYSELF A CHANCE TO ATTEND TO CHURCH SERVICES OF BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIANS. IN A WAY I FOUND MY OWN HAPPINESS. ALL WAS SINGING, DANCING AND PRAISING. BUT THERE IS AN EMPTINESS OCCUPYING MY HEART. I CONTINUED ATTENDING FELLOWSHIPS FOR ALMOST 4 YEARS. I FOUND MYSELF CONTENTED OF THE WAY MY LIFE IS GOING. BUT SOMWHERE, SOMEHOW THERE IS REALLY SOMETHING THAT I AM REALLY LONGING FOR. I COULDN’T FIND THE ANSWERS TO A LOT OF QUESTIONS CLUTTERING MY MIND.

IN 2004, A NEW LIFE FOR ME UNFOLDS. THERE WAS NOT EVEN ONE SUNDAY I ATTENDED CATHOLIC MASS OR CHRISTIAN FELLOWSHIPS. FREEDOM I GUESS. I WAS HAPPY. I FOUND MY SO-CALLED FRIENDS; I HAD MY INTERESTS IN A LOT OF THINGS. I STARTED HAVING VICES. I HAD MADE A LOT OF THINGS CORRUPTING MY SPIRITUALITY, BUT IT WAS PLEASURE I WAS ENJOYING. I AM HAPPY. IN THE END OF EVERY DAY, WHEN I AM LEFT ALONE TO BE JUST WHO I AM, LONELINESS CRIPPLES ME. I WANTED TO CRY SO MUCH. BUT THERE WAS NEVER A TEAR. MY HEART SOMEHOW FEELS COLD AND YET I AM STRONG TO HOLD BACK. I CAN LIVE WITHOUT ANYONE BESIDE ME, WITHOUT ANYONE GUIDING ME. THIS IS WHAT I HAVE INSTILLED IN MY MIND, SINCE I GREW UP NEVER HAVING ONE. I CAN SURVIVE SOMEHOW. I KNOW LONELINESS AND EMPTINESS IN TIME WOULD BE FILLED BY THOSE WHO WILL BE THERE IN SPECIFIC ASPECTS OF MY LIFE. I LIVE A LIFE AWAY FROM MY FAMILY; THERE WAS NO STRONG FAMILY TIES. I LIVED MY LIFE IN SOMEONE ELSE’S DREAMS AND FAILURES. I CREATED DIFFERENT FACES IN DIFFERENT PLACES. I AM GOOD. I AM BAD. THIS IS HOW I AM. IT IS JUST UP TO ME WHEN TO SWITCH PERSONALITY.

HAPPINESS IS SIMPLY BEING CONTENT. AT TIMES I WOULD PROUDLY SAY THAT I FOUND LOVE FROM GOD. AND THERE ARE MOMENTS I JUST GET OUT OF MY ROUTINARY LIFE. LEAVING MY FAITH AND BEING WHO I WANT TO BE.BUT I GUESS, EVEN I HAD ACCEPTED GOD’S FORGIVENESS AND LOVE I ALWAYS GO ASTRAY AND I ALWAYS COME BACK TO HIS GRACE. IRONICALLY, I COULDN’T FIND REAL HAPPINESS. DID I REALLY ACCEPT JESUS?

MY IDEAL CHRISTIAN IS SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T HAVE ANY FLAWS. EVERY TIME I MEET A CHRISTIAN AND SOMEHOW FIND SOMETHING ABOUT THEM TURNING AWAY FROM GOD OR PREACHING GOD’S WORD BUT THEY DON’T ACTUALLY COMMIT THEMSELVES TO. I LOSE HOPE OF ME BEING A TRUE SERVANT OF HIS KINGDOM. I DON’T KNOW IT IS JUST THAT I REALLY DON’T HAVE A STRONG FOUNDATION OF A RELIGION AS IT MAY BE CALLED.

BRO. WILLIAM, I AM TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE I REALLY WANTED TO OPEN UP MYSELF TO THE LORD. I ATTENDED THE “ALPHA COURSE” HOPING THAT ALL OF THOSE EMPTINESS, LONGINGNESS AND BEING LOST BE FILLED WITH GOD’S HOLY SPIRIT. I WANTED TO KNOW WHO I REALLY AM, OF BEING SUBJECTED TO CHARACTERIZATION AND DISBELIEF. I WAS REALLY, INTENDING TO ATTEND OUR TUESDAY SESSIONS. BUT AS DAYS PASSED BY, I AM FEELING BORED. I AM FEELING A LITTLE AWKWARD OF ATTENDING TO SUCH FELLOWSHIPS IF THAT WHO SPEAKS ABOUT GOD DOESN’T REALLY SEEM TO BE WHAT’S IN MY MIND. I NEVER SAID ANYTHING AGAINST YOU OR THE BIBLE STUDY WE ARE HAVING IN YOUR HUMBLE HOME, BUT I FELT AS IF YOU WERE ASSUMING I AM SAYING THINGS TO OTHER PEOPLE RATHER THAN YOU. SADLY, I FELT DISAPPOINTED. I DON’T KNOW IF I AM JUST BEING SOMEONE LOOKING FOR LOOPHOLES TO GETAWAY WITH CHRISTIAN LIFE. AT TIMES I WAS WONDERING IF YOU ARE AN INSTRUMENT OF GOD, AND YOU ARE FULFILLING YOUR DUTIES AS HIS SON… COULD BE MY PURPOSE AN INSTRUMENT OF THE DEVIL TO DELIVER YOU EVIL? I KNOW THAT GOD IS ALWAYS WITH ME… I JOYFULLY SING WORSHIP SONGS. BUT THERE IS ALWAYS THIS EMPTINESS. EVEN IF ATTEND FELLOWHIPS, AT THE END OF THE SERVICE I ALWAYS FELT LEFT ALONE. I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MADE A WAY TO HAVE HAD CONVERSATIONS, BUT ALL I WAS DOING WAS SMILE. STARE AT OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS AS THEY ARE ALL FILLED WITH JOY IN THEIR HEARTS. ALL I AM FEELING WAS LONELINESS. THAT SOMEDAY I MAY HAVE BEAR THAT JOYFULNESS IN MY FACE. I SELDOM SPEAK. BUT MY MIND IS ALWAYS SEARCHING ON HOW TO COMMUNICATE. I AM ALWAYS BLESSED EVERYTIME I AM IN THE TEMPLE OF GOD. BUT THERE IS ALWAYS A CONTRADICTORY OF WHAT I REALLY FEEL, OF WHO I REALLY AM MINGLING IN THE COMPANY OF GOD’S CHILDREN.

THEN WE HAD OUR FELLOWSHIP FOR BRO. JAY’S DEPARTURE TO THE PHILIPPINES. I KEEP QUIET AS USUAL, EXCEPT WHEN WE TALK ABOUT SERIOUS MATTERS WHERE I HAVE TO SHARE MY SIDE OF THE STORY. I JUST KEEP MY EYES OBSERVE THE VERY NATURE OF WHAT IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN. UNTIL THIS ONE MOMENT, I ASK MYSELF WHEN WILL I CRY LIKE BRO. JAY. WHEN WILL I HAVE MY TEARS FLOWING DOWN MY CHEEKS BECAUSE OF GOD’S LOVE? I ONCE SAID TO YOU, I AM JUST WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO PULL ME OUT OF THE DARKNESS. I ENVY BRO. JAY. I ENVY MOST OF YOU IN THE CHURCH. I DON’T THINK I CAN FACE MY REALITY. THERE ARE STILL UNSETTLED THINGS TROUBLING MY MIND, BODY AND SOUL. I ASK GOD’S HELP. I KNOW NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE TO GOD, AND IT IS BEYOND OF WHAT I CAN THINK OF.

THE TRUTH, BEFORE I WROTE THIS LETTER I WAS ASKING GOD MY HONEST INTENTIONS OF TELLING YOU SUCH TESTIMONIES. WHETHER I REALLY WANTED TO BE OPEN OR JUST A BLUFF TO CONCEAL MY HIDDEN AGENDA, BECAUSE UNTIL NOW I DON’T KNOW WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF ALL THESE… I ALSO WANTED TO WRITE BIBLICAL PHRASES IN THIS LETTER TO MAKE IT MORE REALISTIC AS IT MAY PROJECT ME AS A REAL CHRISTIAN. BUT IN TRUTH, I SELDOM READ THE BIBLE. I JUST WANT TO BE COMPLETE, CONTENTED AND SECURED OF MYSELF TO GOD. I JUST WANT TO FEEL LOVED.

BRO. WILLIAM, I WANTED TO TELL YOU MORE IN PERSON. BUT I FEEL LIKE NOT LETTING ANY WORD SLIP MY TOUNGE. I WANTED TO TELL YOU MORE IN THIS LETTER, BUT I GUESS I AM JUST GOING TO BE UNREAL IF I DO. I AM USED TO BE CALLED BY MANY NAMES. OF WHATEVER PERSONALITY THEY SEE IN ME. I AM INSANE, WEIRD, PSYCHOTIC, PARANOID, NERD AND ALL THE EXACT OPPOSITE. IN THE END, I CAN BE GOOD AND I CAN BE BAD DEPENDING ON WHAT I WANT, JUST ENJOYING EVERY SECOND I CAN AND SINKING MY SELF IN SORROW WHENEVER I CAN.

I MAY HAVE HURT YOU IN SOME WAYS, DELIBERATELY OR UNINTENDED. I AM ASKING FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS. I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU FEEL TOWARDS THE SITUATION WHERE I TOLD PASTOR ARIS ABOUT ME NOT ABLE TO ATTEND OUR ALPHA COURSE. I WASN’T INTENDING TO TELL HIM ANYTHING, BUT I FELT THE NEED. AS HE IS OUR PASTOR, HE MUST KNOW THE REASONS WHY. YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL BAD IF I AM GOING TO OTHER “ALPHA COURSE”, AS YOU SAID IT IS FOR GOD’S GLORY. BUT I ALWAYS GET THE FEELING THAT YOU SOMEHOW POINTS OUT THAT YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN FIRST. FOR THE RECORD, I HAVED INFORMED YOU AND YOU ACTUALLY KNOW I CAN’T ATTEND BECAUSE OF MY SHIFT SCHEDULE. SO MUCH FOR IT. I WOULD GLADLY ACCEPT ANY CONSEQUENCES IN MY COURSE OF ACTION. IF YOU REALLY THINK I HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG, THEN I WOULD ADMIT. I AM SO SORRY.

WHATEVER PLANS GOD HAS FOR ME. MAY HE HELP ME UNDERSTAND. I AM PRAYING AND ASKING HIM TO GUIDE ME. TO GIVE ME WISDOM, PEACE OF MIND AND SERENITY. I FIND IT HARD TO BE HOLY, BUT I KNOW I CAN BE AN OBEDIENT CHILD OF GOD. MAY HE SAVE ME .

YOU ARE SUCH A GREAT CREATION OF GOD. DON’T WORRY ABOUT ME BRO. THIS IS JUST HOW I AM. GOD BLESS!

DANI (“,)